I’ll be honest, I’m on dating apps. More specifically, Bumble. So far, I’ve found the experience anxiety-inducing and unnatural.
It’s a newfangled thing
Everyone I’ve been in a relationship with, up to this point, has been my friend for at least months (but mostly years) at a time before we’ve even considered going on a date.
Starting as friends is much easier. You already know the other person to some degree — their likes, their dislikes, their mannerisms — which means you only need to vet for romantic compatabilitiy.
I’m confused by the conventions
Dating app dates have such different conventions from traditional dates. How long are you supposed to chat with someone before you actually propose going on a date? When do you exchange phone numbers? But here are my biggest confusions so far:
Do you ask for your date’s last name?
This is a weird one. Wall Street Journal says the answer is no.
I get cognitive dissonance getting to know someone romantically when I don’t know their last name. If I really wanted to, I’m sure I could find my dates’ last names online. Recon is one of my strong suits. I don’t, though, because I want to be respectful of their privacy — I wouldn’t want people snooping on me!
More importantly, not knowing someone’s name when you meet with them poses a security concern. What if the person I’m going out with is a convicted felon? What if I’m getting catfished by a creep?
Do you go on dates with multiple people at once?
I’ve gotten extremely mixed feedback from friends. Some say that it’s not nice to do so, especially after you’ve gone on more than one date with the same person, and you should ask upfront. Other friends said that you should always assume it’s not exclusive until someone says it is.
But it seems like asking about exclusivity, even just to level-set, feels serious. This gets into my next big gripe with dating apps.
I hate the lack of transparency
I don’t have any strong feelings about what I’m looking for. I mostly just want to have fun and get to know people, and if something works out, great. It’d be great to find my partner for life, but it’s not my priority.
Despite this mindset, I’m nervous about being transparent about my thoughts and feelings. App dates seem to have this air of non-chalant indecision — perhaps since you don’t know enough about each other to organically judge how the other person feels. Neither party wants to rock the boat one way or another. You don’t want to show too much interest, but you want to show enough to keep the ball rolling.
I’m generally a straight shooter, so it’s been a shift to be more mindful about what I say, and how and when I say it.